


Unfaithful

by kez



Category: Primeval
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Established Relationship, F/M, First Time, M/M, Partner Betrayal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-02-20
Updated: 2011-02-19
Packaged: 2017-10-15 19:05:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/164006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kez/pseuds/kez
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nick Cutter loved his wife... but he couldn't help falling for her student, Stephen Hart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> It is set pre-series and focuses almost entirely on Nick, Stephen and Helen. There is no Connor, Abby, Ryan, Lester etc.

Nick wasn't expecting to come home and find a strange young man sitting at the table. Strange, but gorgeous, dark hair trailing down his forehead into bright blue eyes, only to be shoved back so he could duck his head further into the book that rested on the table in front of him. Nick paused for a moment, just to watch him.

"Nick, this is Stephen, he's in my 201 class, I hope you don't mind me bringing him around,” Helen's voice reminded him that this wasn't his house alone and that there was probably some reason for this young man at his dinner table.

"No, I don't mind,” Nick gave her a wry smile. They'd both brought their fair share of students home.

"Stephen..." Helen tapped the young man's shoulder, startling him.

"Sorry," Stephen flushed, realising he had an audience.

"Stephen, this is my husband, Nick Cutter," Helen said.

"Oh," Stephen practically leapt up, thrusting his hand out. "It's a pleasure, Sir."

Nick chuckled, shaking Stephen's hand. "Helen tells me you are in her 201 class, normally she only trails home the poor bastards in her 101, what did you do to deserve the honour?"

"Um..." Stephen blushed brighter.

"Nick!" Helen chastised. "He's just messing, Stephen. My husband has a twisted sense of humour."

Nick grinned. "She's right, I do."

"It's fine," Stephen mumbled, embarrassed. "I transferred here from Reading University this year."

"He's got an incredible gift," Helen said, making Stephen look at his feet.

"Well, my wife only takes the best and the brightest under her wing, so I'm sure that's true," Nick said. "Will you be staying for dinner?"

"I don't want to intrude," Stephen mumbled.

"Not at all. Plenty for everyone and I'm sure Helen has fifty more books she's dying to show you," Nick smiled warmly. "Just let me grab a shower and I'll start making dinner."

*~*~*~*~*

After that first meeting, when Stephen relaxed during dinner enough to really talk to Nick, he could be found over at the Cutter residence most nights. Helen began to tease Nick that maybe he should just take over her 201 class, because Stephen seemed to hang on every word he said.

"Hero worship," she joked.

"I doubt that," Nick shook his head, amused.

"When he found out who my husband was, he nearly fainted. I thought he was going to burst a vein when he met you," Helen said. "He based his entrance essay on community ecology; he referenced you so many times. I hardly had to read it to know what it would say... his own theories on the subject were impressive though."

Nick would give her that, Stephen's theories on community ecology were impressive and Nick found himself spending more time with Stephen discussing first those theories and then expanding into other areas of Stephen's study, even those outside the realms of Nick's own experience. Stephen's wit was as quick as Nick's own and more often than not, after a few months, Helen began to leave them to their conversations. What she once viewed as amusing hero worship, she was quickly finding tiresome.

"You spend more time with Stephen than you do with me," Helen complained.

Nick shrugged. "He's working on a new paper, it's interesting stuff, you should..."

"I have read it, Nick, I'm his teacher, remember?” Helen said, frustrated that once again Nick had left Stephen sleeping on the couch in the early hours of the morning while he finally came to bed.

"Well then, you should know you're being ridiculous, Helen, jealous because I'm helping one of your students with his work," Nick said.

"I'm not jealous," Helen said, angered by Nick's all too close to the truth accusation.

Nick sighed and for the first time in their married life, turned his back to his wife. He was tired and he had a class in the morning, and he really wasn't in the mood.

It was the first of many arguments, most of which stopped revolving around Stephen after the first few days and strayed off into other areas of their lives.

*~*~*~*~*

Nick invited Stephen on an expedition at the end of the year, just before summer classes came to an end. The look on Stephen's face was worth the inevitable argument when he got home; the younger man looked so pleased, like he might burst from the pride of just being asked. Helen's wrath aside, the weeks preparing for the trip were fun, Stephen was like a sponge, soaking in everything he could possibly need to know, or think of while they were away.

"I'll call when we get to New York," Nick said, giving Helen a kiss on the cheek as Stephen put the last of their luggage in the car.

"You'll probably get the answering machine. Professor Craig and I are going to spend the weekend working on classes for next year," Helen said coolly. It was a lie, but Nick didn't call her on it and he tried not to feel too guilty as he got into the car with Stephen.

Helen didn't watch them leave, didn't wave, or dash down to the car for one last kiss like she might have in the past. His wife was becoming a virtual stranger and he'd rather spend three months in the jungles of Peru with Stephen, than another day in her company. Maybe the absence was just what they needed, a little distance to clear the air. Nick gave Stephen a grin as they pulled out of the housing estate he and Helen lived in. For the moment, there was nothing he could do about Helen, but he was determined to enjoy this trip.

*~*~*~*~*

"How's your Quechua?" Nick asked with a teasing grin when they finally arrived in Lima, to meet the rest of the expedition team.

Stephen looked at him. "Um..."

Nick laughed. "I'm kidding, everyone speaks English, well, almost everyone. Arcani, one of the native trackers, has a lot of talent, and Jen likes to keep him on, but he won't speak English, even though he *can*, so if you actually want him for anything, you'll need one of the other team members to translate for you."

"Why won't he speak English?" Stephen asked.

Nick shrugged. "I have no idea. The only time I ever heard him speak English is when he's telling us to run, so if you hear him shout run, do it."

"Right," Stephen nodded.

"Nick!" Jen dashed into his arms, squeezing him tight.

Nick laughed, spinning her. "God, I've missed you Jen," he said, setting her down. "Jennifer Gregory, my research assistant, Stephen Hart."

"Oh where have you been hiding him?" Jen asked, winking.

"Jen!" Nick chastised. "Leave him alone."

"Spoilsport," Jen grinned. "He's adorable."

"You'll have to excuse her, she can't help herself," Nick patted Stephen's arm reassuringly. "She really is a brilliant scientist."

Stephen nodded. "I've studied some of your work, it's... really brilliant."

"And sweet too, are you sure I have to behave?" Jen asked.

"Yes!" Nick said, laughing and relieved that Stephen seemed to relax too.

"So where's the Wicked Witch of Eastwick?” Jen asked, as they grabbed their bags.

"My *wife* is at home in England, she had some papers to catch up on and a lot of work for the university," Nick said. It was half way true, though he knew Jen could spot the lie there too. She knew him too well.

"Goodie, I get you all to myself... and this handsome young specimen,” Jen grinned.

"I don't think I'll fit in any of your specimen jars," Stephen said.

Nick and Jen both laughed, as she lead them to a jeep sitting outside the airstrip. "Oh I like him."

*~*~*~*~*

Stephen settled into the group easily on the trip from Lima to their base camp, he practically had Jen eating out of his hand. Nick was glad they got along, he'd been sure they would. Nick had worked with most of these people before, on various projects, they were a good group of people, good at what they did and he'd felt, rightly so, that Stephen would fit in well.

This was a little more difficult than some of the previous work they'd done together. Tracking tracking wild animals in their natural habitat without disturbing their natural habitat too much was always difficult, but it was fasinating. Stephen loved it, he took to it like a duck to water, he was tracking almost as well as the professionals after a few weeks. It made Nick swell with pride.

"He's doing well, he's even charmed Arcani," Jen told Nick, watching Stephen laughing with the native man. "Six years I've worked with him and he's never spoken English to any of my team... Stephen's been here less than a month and he has him eating out of the palm of his hand."

"Speaking of eating... what the hell were they eating last night?" Nick asked.

"Lemon ants," Jen said. "Arcani loves them. The ants live on lemon trees, eat the lemons, so they taste like... well, lemons."

"Nice," Nick said. It wasn't the strangest thing he'd ever heard of eating, or even the strangest thing he'd ever eaten, but it was still not on his top ten list of most appetising foods.

"Hey Nick," Stephen grinned, coming over to sit beside him. "Did you see the monkeys?"

"Hard to miss the noisey buggers," Nick said, smiling.

Stephen laughed. "Arcani thinks there could be a tribe near by."

"Probably," Jen chimed in. "We've seen some signs."

"Maybe the one we tagged will lead us to them," Stephen said, grinning at the thought.

"Might do. We'll keep track of it for a few days, see where it goes, if it follows any particular patterns, before we send a scout," Jen said.

"I'd like to go, if you send a scout team," Stephen said.

"I don't see why not, let Nick do his own heavy lifting for an afternoon," Jen said.

Nick chuckled. "Hey, he did half your heavy lifting yesterday too."

"Because he's a gentleman," Jen said. "And offers to help a lady with things like that."

"I don't see any ladies around here," Nick said, grunting when Jen threw a piece of wood at him. Stephen laughed. "Oh sure, laugh, don't defend me or anything," Nick grumbled.

"Oh don't worry, I won't," Stephen said.

"I get no respect," Nick grumbled, chuckling.

"Well, I'm going to turn in," Jen said, leaning down to give Nick a peck on the cheek. "Don't do anything I wouldn't do," she whispered.

Nick gave her a look that said strictly, Do. Not. Go. There. Jen of course had gone there the moment she set eyes on Stephen, but she knew enough not to say anything overt in front of the young man.

"Night, boys," Jen grinned, giving Stephen a peck on the cheek too. "Try not to get eaten by anything while I'm getting my beauty sleep."

"If anything comes looking for food, it'll go to your tent first," Nick said. "The smell of all those anti-aging potions..."

"I'll have you know the only potion I use is clear, fresh jungle water," Jen said.

"Night, Jen," Stephen chuckled, shaking his head at Nick. Stephen gave Nick a look, as if he was wondering why he had married Helen instead of Jen, and Nick could understand why. He and Jen seemed to have so much more in common on the surface and they did, but Nick loved Jen like a sister.

 

"I think I'll turn in too," Stephen said, when Jen had disappeared across the camp into her tent. As expedition leader, she'd wrangled her own.

"It's probably a good idea," Nick agreed, giving Arcani a smile and a nod as he stood to follow Stephen to their tent.

"I was going to head out tomorrow, into the village with some of the others, get some supplies. Jen is expecting a delievery of some equipment and I thought I'd try and contact Helen," Nick said as they settled in.

"I'll come with you, if you want," Stephen said, stripping off his shirt in the dim light of the tent. Nick tried not to watch, damn Jen for putting it in his head anyway. It wasn't that he didn't find Stephen attractive, because of course he did, but he was married and as far as he knew, Stephen was straight, not to mention one of Helen's students.

"You don't have to, I know you're enjoying being here," Nick said.

"It's amazing," Stephen said and even if he could only half see it, Nick could hear his grin.

"Jen's pleased with how well you're doing, I bet she'd hook you up with some work full time, once you've finished university," Nick said.

"Maybe," Stephen said. "I haven't really thought about it."

"Well, you should," Nick said, getting into his sleeping bag.

"I will. And I will go into the village tomorrow, if you don't mind," Stephen said.

"Of course I don't," Nick said. "Night, Stephen."

"Night," Stephen replied softly, who seemed already half asleep as soon as he lay down.

Nick lay awake a while longer, reminding himself that he was a married man and just because he and Helen had their differences, that didn't mean he didn't love his wife. Jen's teasing aside, he knew he was attracted to Stephen, more than attracted even, Stephen had fast become his best friend, but that's all it would ever be, Nick would just have to get over his crush, before he did something he'd regret.

*~*~*~*~*

Stephen taped down the edge of the bandage. "There, all done."

"Thanks," Nick said, pulling his t-shirt back over his head. "Bloody stupid place for a tree if you ask me."

Stephen laughed. "You're in the middle of a jungle, Nick."

"Well, still..." Nick grumbled, chuckling.

"Come on, Doctor clumsy, we've got to get packed up if we don't want to miss our flight," Stephen said. "You would choose the last day to stumble over a root."

"It wasn't my fault," Nick said.

"How is our wounded hero?" Jen interupted.

"He'll live," Stephen said.

"Good, getting bodies transported back to civilisation is a real bitch," Jen said.

"I feel so loved," Nick said.

"Bite me," Jen said. "Do you need a hand getting your stuff together?"

"No, we'll be fine. What time do we need to leave?" Stephen asked.

"Three hours," Jen said. “Your lite-flight to Lima will leave from the village first thing in the morning, don't piss off the pilot, he's a personal friend and he's the only one around here who'll willingly put up with us. You've got a room at the village inn tonight and a room booked in Lima tomorrow night before you fly back to New York."

"All expenses paid?" Nick grinned.

"You wish, Cutter," Jen laughed. "Stephen, if you decide you want to drop this old man you can stay work with me..."

"Tempting," Stephen said. "You're much better looking."

"Charming," Nick said. "I get no respect."

Jen laughed. "I'll leave you two to finish packing, don't be late."

"I can't believe it's time to go home already," Stephen said, a little sadly.

"You could stay, Jen wouldn't have made the offer if she didn't mean it," Nick said.

"I haven't finished school yet... I'd like to at least get my masters," Stephen said. "Besides, what would you do without me?"

"Find someone else to do my heavy lifting," Nick chuckled.

Stephen threw a balled up roll of bandages at him. "Jerk."

Nick laughed. "Yeah."

The truth was, Nick couldn't believe the three months had passed so quickly, it seemed odd to think about going back to civilisation, to the university, papers, students... Helen.

Nick smiled, he was looking forward to seeing his wife, they'd talked on the phone a few times, sent a couple of letters, they still had some things to talk about but the time apart had done wonders for both of them. More than that, the last couple of months working together with Stephen and nothing happening had helped Nick get over his ridiculous crush. Well... more or less, he still found Stephen attractive, he wasn't suddenly blind, but he had no pressing urges to act on it.

*~*~*~*~*

The village inn, if it could be called that, was basically just two rooms over the rowdy bar room. The limited space did mean Nick and Stephen would have to share the one bed, but since they'd been sharing a tent for three months, it wasn't a problem, or Nick hadn't thought it would be, until he woke in the middle of the night, to find Stephen plastered warm against his hip.

To be fair, Nick hadn't had much contact at all with another warm body in months, so it wasn't surprising when his dick hardened in his shorts, it was a natural reaction and nothing at all to do with the way Stephen was gently humping against him.

"Nick..." Stephen murmured in his sleep, his breath hot against Nick's neck and when his dick twitched, that was definetly a reaction to Stephen, because fuck... the kid was plastered against him, hot and panting Nick's name. Nick tried to move away, because this was just a little too much, it was one thing to think about it, even fantasise about it but another to... Stephen pressed more firmly against him, seeking Nick's warmth, groaning softly in his sleep.

"Stephen..." Nick said softly, the edge of the bed too near to keep trying to move away, he tried instead to turn around, which was really a bad plan, because once he did, Stephen's dick was pressed hot and hard against his own, only their shorts separating them and any thoughts about propriety, about Helen, about stopping Stephen, went flying right out the pathetic little window on the other side of the room.

Nick's body tightened, tingling with lust as Stephen opened his eyes, still heavy with sleep and dark with lust, gasping as Nick leaned in and kissed him.

One small part of Nick nagged at him that this was wrong, really, really wrong, but Stephen was there, warm and real and Nick ignored those thoughts as Stephen's tongue thrust into his mouth and the younger man's arms wound around his neck, threading into his hair, their cloth-covered erections grinding together until they both came, a wet sticky mess in their shorts.

"This shouldn't..." Nick started to say when he could think again, pulling away from Stephen.

"I know," Stephen said, resting a hand on Nick's back as he rolled away. "It's okay Nick, I know... it shouldn't have happened, but it did, let's just... just forget it, okay, it's no big deal, just relieving some stress, yeah...?”

"Right..." Nick agreed, guilt coiling and settling uneasily in his gut, his crotch itching as his come dried in his shorts. "Never happened."

The next morning, Stephen acted like any other day, teasing him over his extra strong coffee, trading jokes with one of the other scientists returning with them. Nick watched him, wondering if maybe it had been a dream, but he knew it hadn't, the come-stained boxers he'd thrust into the bin that morning, so he didn't have to take them home, proved it... still, if Stephen could pretend nothing had happened, so could Nick, it was for the best, he was married, he loved his wife, he'd never cheat on her... never again, at least.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nick Cutter loved his wife... but he couldn't help falling for her student, Stephen Hart.

Nick was fine with forgetting all about it, until he actually got home, when Helen met him at the airport, waving and smiling when she saw them, giving Nick a warm hug and a kiss that stopped his heart for just a moment as he remembered why he fell in love with her in the first place. "I missed you," Helen tells him.

She gave Stephen a friendly hug which he returned with one arm and Nick felt that guilt he'd thought he was over coil in his gut again. He cheated on her... he couldn't look at Stephen directly for the rest of the day and when Helen quizzed him on his silence over dinner he tried not to look guilty as he blamed it on jetlag and begs off to bed, leaving Stephen to tell her about the rest of their trip. It never even occured to him that Stephen might say something about what happened.

Stephen stayed over, which wasn't new and had never been a problem, but when Helen woke him with kisses, he was almost consciously aware of the fact Stephen was just downstairs.

He didn't think of Stephen, while he made love to his wife, didn't wish it was Stephen instead, but he couldn't help wondering if Stephen heard them, if Stephen knew what they were doing in that hour before they came down to breakfast. It shouldn't have mattered because it's none of Stephen's business anyway, Helen is his wife and what happened in Peru was just one night, hell, one mad five minutes that barely counts because humping a pillow would have ended in him coming just the same, but somehow, he hopes Stephen didn't hear, doesn't know... he tries not to think why that is.

*~*~*~*~*

Nick whisked Helen off for a quiet weekend before the start of term, just the two of them in a little B&B by the ocean and for the first time in longer than Nick would like to admit, he feels like his marriage is really back on solid ground.

They bickered over where to eat, walked along the beach in the early evening holding hands and talking, made love into the early morning hours and laughed over long forgotten memories. He thinks maybe he fell a little deeper in love with Helen that weekend, a little deeper than he ever was before and although the first thing he did upon returning home was call Stephen, it meant nothing.

He called to double check Stephen had developed the photos he'd promised to do while Nick and Helen were away, to make sure they'll be ready for the first class he has in the new term. When the conversation is over he hangs up and starts making dinner for him and Helen, while she watches and sorts through the mail from the three days they were gone.

Nick doesn't even really feel guilty anymore, Stephen was right, it was stress relief, it didn't mean anything and he knows it will never happen again. Dropping a kiss on Helen's head as he walks past, he pulls a bottle of wine from the rack and makes a toast to them.

*~*~*~*~*

The new term brought new problems, the ease he and Helen had found since he'd returned from the trip to Peru upset by long work hours and disagreements over various students, classes, even the damn Dean seemed insistant on causing arguments.

By the time Christmas came around, Nick felt like they were back to square one and God help him, but he found himself spending more time with Stephen, hiding from Helen and their arguments.

"When will you be home?" Helen asked.

"I'm not sure, Stephen's going to give me a hand sorting those new specimens that came in from Jen," Nick said, looking around for his watch.

"Can't they wait?" Helen asked. "There are no classes for the next couple of weeks, I was hoping we could spend some time together, I've hardly seen you since the start of term."

"Next week, I promise, I want to get these out of the way, Jen said there were some interesting..."

"Jen, if it's not Stephen, it's bloody Jen," Helen snorted derisively.

Nick sighed. "Helen, I've known Jen for a long time, you know full well there is nothing between us."

"No, you're right, it's not Jen, you'd just rather spend time with a bunch of fossils than your own wife!" Helen snapped.

"I'm not having this argument again, Helen, it's work, you know it has to be done, with Alison away, I've got to pick up the slack there too," Nick said. His lab assistant would be away for three weeks over the holidays and it'd take her that long to fix everything he ballsed up in that time, he was trying to keep on top of at least some of it... that it kept him away from Helen for extended periods of time, was incidental. Probably.

Helen stormed out without comment, leaving Nick to stare after her and contemplate what had changed in the weeks since term began.

It wasn't just work, although he supposed a large portion of their arguments stemmed from that. Nick knew he could be a workaholic, but so was Helen, they were both passionate about their work, so it was hardly all his fault. The times he had made a real effort to put time aside for her, she'd been the one to beg off because of work.

It wasn't Stephen either, nothing had happened since they got back, they'd settled into their easy friendship again without any problems. Neither of them mentioned what had happened and as far as Nick knew, Stephen hadn't even thought about it, he certainly hadn't given any indication.

Nick sighed, hearing the front door slam downstairs. Stephen was expecting him, he could disect his and Helen's issues later, maybe he'd give Iain and Kirsty a call. Nick knew his brother Iain didn't like Helen, he'd never managed to figure out why but Iain was friendly to her for Nick's sake and Nick appreciated that. Kirsty was probably the best one to talk to, his sister-in-law was fairly straightforward and he knew she wouldn't judge him.

*~*~*~*~*

Stephen was waiting with coffee and a couple of Danish when Nick arrived, wearing battered jeans and a tight-fitting shirt, jacket slung carelessly to one side as he licked the sticky cinnamon from his fingers.

"Morning," Stephen smiled.

Nick offered Stephen a smile of his own, taking the coffee and sitting behind his desk. “Thanks for offering to help with this," Nick said, shifting the papers before him around, looking for three sheets of paper hidden among several reams.

"No problem... and the inventory isn't there," Stephen said, waving the sheets before him.

"Where?" Nick frowned.

"On top of the boxes over there," Stephen said. "You're hopeless sometimes, Cutter. You need a keeper."

"Alison usually helps with all this stuff," Nick shrugged.

"I stand by my assessment," Stephen grinned cheekily.

"Hmm, well, since you're so good, why don't you get over there and start opening the boxes, we can check we've got everything, then start logging and categorising," Nick said.

Stephen saluted with two fingers. "Sir, yes, Sir."

*~*~*~*~*

Nick and Stephen worked through the morning, emptied a pot of coffee and had finished with two of the boxes by lunch. "I'm starved. What say we go get lunch? My treat."

"I could eat, but I can pay," Stephen said.

Nick rolled his eyes. "Call it a thank you for helping with all this."

"I told you it wasn't a problem, besides all the help you've given me, I more than owe you," Stephen said.

Nick shook his head. "You're a stubborn sod sometimes. If you won't let me buy you lunch, at least come over for dinner tonight."

"You know I'll never turn down your cooking," Stephen grinned.

Nick snorted. "You'd think you'd never had a home cooked meal. Come on, even if you won't let me pay, I'm still starving."

The resturant just off campus was quiet, most of the university's student population spending the holidays far away... or simply staying in bed and catching up on the sleep they didn't get in the last couple of months.

Nick ordered coffee, could never have enough, and a club sandwich with chips, while Stephen snorted about the heart attack on a plate and ordered pasta.

"I'ver never met a student who's so conscientious about their eating habits," Nick teased. It was true, most students tended to grab whatever was fastest, skipping meals, living on coffee and chocolate bars, but Stephen always made sure he had decent meals, even if he didn't have the money for much.

"Well, unlike some people, I'd like to live past forty," Stephen replied. "And keep my girlish figure."

Nick laughed. "The only thing girlish about your figure are the girls lining up to get their hands on it."

Stephen blushed faintly at the backhanded compliment, but laughed along with Nick. “Jealous, Professor?” he taunted.

"Green with envy," Nick meant it to be dry and sarcastic, but something about it stuck in his head, long after they'd moved on to other topics. He *was* envious, but of what, he couldn't quite say.

*~*~*~*~*

Helen arrived home that evening as Nick finished mashing the potatoes, Stephen at the table behind him, head stuck in a book. Nick knew immediately that she was still angry with him.

"Stephen," the name was said almost catishly.

"Hi Doctor Cutter," Stephen smiled, seeming to ignore Helen's obvious bad mood.

"Did you two get everything done today then?" Helen sat across from Stephen, her feet kicking up on the chair across from her.

"Almost, just one more box to finish up," Stephen said. "There are some really fascinating fossils."

Helen nodded. "I'm sure."

"Dinner's ready," Nick interupted them, setting plates down in front of Stephen and Helen, taking the spare chair at the table himself, hoping Helen would tone it down, but she didn't, badgering Stephen thoughout the meal, ignoring Nick's attempts to distract her.

Nick flashed Stephen an apologetic look, but the younger man didn't appear to notice and if he did and was bothered by Helen's behaviour he didn't show it.

*~*~*~*~*

After Nick had finished up his work – or at least enough to be pleased with, he agreed to his brothers request to visit for the New Year. The trip to Scotland helped, but only because Nick got to spend time with the children. Helen was not even remotely maternal and avoided them even more than she avoided Nick.

He also talked to his sister-in-law, or rather, she talked to him. He hadn't bothered to call her like he planned. He'd been doing well at subverting his attraction to Stephen, at least he'd thought he had been. He was married and despite their problems, he did still love his wife, even if they didn't always like each other lately.

It was a good reason to keep things strictly platonic with Stephen, even if it didn't stop him wanting the younger man. Apparently, he wasn't subtle about his desires however, because they'd only been there three days when Kirsty pinned him about it.

The kids had gone to a party and Helen had gone... well Nick wasn't sure, somewhere away, while Iain was at work.

Kirsty was pretty straightforward at the best of times, but Nick was still surprised when she asked about Stephen. "You've mentioned him at least a dozen times a day since you got here, Nick," she told him with a smile.

Nick felt like he'd been smacked. Christ and he thought he was being subtle. "He's a student. One of Helen's actually, but he's been helping me with some side projects. He went with me over the summer on that research project, I'm sure I mentioned it to Iain," Nick hoped the answer satisfied, but Kirsty was not so easily dissuaded.

"Nick, I've known you a long time, before you met Helen and I know you've never been entirely straight, but in all the time you've been with Helen, I've never seen you talk about anyone, man or woman with the expression you wear talking about Stephen," Kirsty said.

"I..." Nick sighed. "I'm attracted to him, but I'm married and I love Helen."

"I'm not saying you don't, but you'd have to be blind, deaf and dumb not to notice that you two are walking around like practical strangers. And that look you have, when you talk about Stephen, isn't just attraction," Kirsty said.

"Helen and I have been having some problems, but every couple has them, I remember a time not so long ago you and Iain were all but ready to throw in the towel," Nick said.

"Maybe, but neither of us were in love with anyone else but each other at the time and we made the effort to make it work again," Kirsty said. "If you're not in love with this Stephen of yours, I'll invite Helen to spend a day with me painting our nails."

Nick snorted. Kirsty and Helen were civil to each other, almost friendly sometimes, but they could never be termed friends. If Nick didn't insist on seeing his brother and family, Helen would certainly never come voluntarily.

"I'm not in love with him," Nick defended. "I admit I'm attracted to him and he's... become a good friend. But he's still a student even if he isn't technically *my* student and I love my wife."

Kirsty sighed. "I know you love Helen, God knows sometimes I wonder why, but that doesn't preclude being in love with someone else. And whether you want to admit it or not, I think you do have feelings for this man. Nick... if you do, if you *are* in love with him, you need to admit it to yourself, even if you never do anything about it. Make things work with Helen if you can, if you want too, but lying to yourself won't help your relationship with Helen."

"I'm not in love with him," Nick said, trying to ignore the clenching in his gut, the slight tremor in his voice.

Kirsty gave him a doubtful look, but hugged him. "We'll always be here, Nick, no matter what."

*~*~*~*~*

Nick lay in bed that night, Helen asleep beside him, her back turned towards him, his mind running over the conversation with Kirsty. He couldn't be in love with Stephen. Lust did not love make. He was attracted to him, that was all, attraction and friendship, he wasn't going to risk his marriage over that. He couldn't be, he *wasn't* in love with Stephen... was he?

God, what was he thinking, laying beside his wife trying to decide if he was in love with someone else, with another man. Nick couldn't even pretend the idea that it was another man bothered him, but he'd been with Helen since he was in Uni and he'd never cheated on her – Nick ignored the half remembered feel of Stephen rubbing against him, hot breath mixing with his own, it didn't count, it was just stress relief – with man or woman. Had never even thought of it. Why now, why did Kirsty have to make him...

No, that wasn't fair, this wasn't on Kirsty, it was his own mess to sort out. He supposed Kirsty was right, he needed to figure out if he was in love with Stephen. He had no idea what he'd do if the answer was yes.

Stephen had fast become a friend, his best friend. The younger man was smart, quick witted, he seemed to read Nick like a book always knowing what Nick needed almost before Nick did. He had lost count of the number of late nights he'd been in his office and coffee had appeared without him asking. Often on those nights he could look up and Stephen would be sitting across from him, feet perched on the edge of Nick's desk, one of his many books open across his lap. Nick smiled to himself, Stephen got lost in books so easily, no matter the subject.

But friendship didn't equal love, even with attraction, and Nick couldn't deny the attraction. Stephen was gorgeous. Long, lean muscle over smooth, lightly tanned skin. Blue eyes that alternated between ice and storm and sky sky blue, depending on his mood, or the light in the room. No, Nick wasn't blind and he couldn't deny that he *wanted* Stephen like that. But it wasn't a question of attraction. Marrying Helen hadn't made him suddenly blind and he'd noticed people before, been attracted to people before, but not like this, not so strongly that he'd ever acted on it, not so strongly that he'd ever considered acting on it.

Oh God. Nick's stomach clenched. His mind had taken him where he was afraid to go, even without him being aware of it. He wasn't just wondering if he was in love with Stephen, he was actively considering *acting* on it. Acting on... how he felt.

He was in love with Stephen. And God help him, but even the thought of his wife laying beside him could not stop the idea of *being* with Stephen from floating through his mind.

Nick quickly dragged himself out of bed on shaky legs and headed for the bathroom. The light made him blink as he turned it on, locking the door behind him. His reflection in the mirror was at once familiar and completely unrecognisable. And the bulge of his half hard cock in his shorts was unmistakable.

Groaning softly, Nick quickly splashed cold water on his face. It did nothing to quell his libido or the thoughts of Stephen running through his mind. Stephen pressed against him, hard planes and soft skin. Nick could remember it, the images he'd thought were banished to the back of his mind as fresh as the night they'd occurred.

Nick was only half unwilling as he shoved his hands into his shorts and ignoring the fact that his wife was asleep on the other side of the door, he jerked his cock to the images of Stephen floating behind his eyelids, muffling a gasp as he came over his own hand.

Leaning back against cold tile, breathing heavy with exertion, Nick wondered what the hell he was going to do. The idea of leaving Helen... he couldn't fathom it, but he couldn't cheat on her, he couldn't... it was everything Nick had been taught to believe was wrong.

But hadn't he already done it? Call it what he would, he'd already done it, already felt Stephen's hands on him, come grinding against Stephen like an overly hormonal teenager – and now tonight, he'd intentionally masturbated to the idea of Stephen, to the thoughts of touching him and being touched in return.

Nick washed his hands, but found he couldn't return to the bed with Helen in it. Silently, he snuck down the stairs and dropped onto the couch.

*~*~*~*~*

Nick spent the rest of the holiday avoiding being alone with Kirsty, with Helen and finally with Iain, who kept giving him knowing looks.

He could no longer deny that he had feelings for Stephen, strong feelings... that he loved him. But he still had no idea what he was going to do, if anything, by the time they returned home.

Clearly, Stephen wasn't straight, at least not entirely, but that didn't mean he was interested in Nick. That one... blip... aside, he hadn't seen any indication that Stephen had those sorts of feelings towards him. And Nick had ultimately been the one to initiate that.

But that was all moot, if he wasn't prepared to leave Helen. Was he?

He loved her, he knew he still loved her, there wasn't a doubt in his mind about that, but was it enough? With everything between them lately, was loving her enough?

Nick knew that if he decided to leave Helen, it couldn't be about Stephen. But his mind kept rolling back around to the other man. If he hadn't developed feelings for Stephen would he be considering leaving Helen?

He just didn't know and returning to the university didn't make the answer any clearer.

Things with Helen settled into a civil sort of distance, the two of them rarely talked about anything other than work and more often than not, one of them would end up working late. If it was Nick, inevitably, Stephen would be there, feet perched on his desk, comfortable silence punctuated by the occasional question, or debate.

Nick found himself watching Stephen with different eyes, thinking about the feel of his lips, the touch of his hands, the easy smile and sparkling blue eyes. He was still no closer to knowing what he was going to do, but he couldn't help thinking about it...

Couldn't help being half hard in his jeans as Stephen leant close to look at something. He turned to say something and found himself unable to talk.

Stephen's lips were as soft as he remembered, soft and eerily familiar and Nick turned more fully towards him, fingers tangling in the soft dark locks of hair, tongue tracing across Stephen's lips.

Weight settled across his lap, the chairback tipping lightly as Stephen pressed against him, warm and strong and Nick thought he should feel guilty, was consciously aware that he was *cheating on his wife* and he didn't stop.

*~*~*~*~*

Nick slipped his hands under Stephen's t-shirt, feeling firm muscle under the soft flesh, nipping at Stephen's lip as the younger man moaned softly. "Nick..."

Nick just pulled him closer, touching more firmly, arching his hips, the feel of Stephen's cock, hard and heavy against his own making him whimper. Stephen groaned against him and pushed back, the younger man's hands finding their way under his shirt, skimming over flesh, teasing lightly over his nipples, running through the curls of hair.

It was good, so good – Nick didn't want to stop, didn't care about anything other than how Stephen was making him feel. "Please..."

Stephen's hands were at his jeans, pulling them up enough for his hand to dive inside, wrapping around his cock. Nick groaned, thrusting up into the touch, head falling back, as Stephen pressed soft kisses against his neck, up along his jaw.

"Please," Nick moaned softly, pulling Stephen's mouth back to his, running his fingers through his hair, kissing him hard, trying to convey need as his free hand stroked down Stephen's back, cupping his arse.

Stephen stroked more firmly, twisting his wrist just so, almost like he knew what would bring Nick to orgasm fastest. Nick writhed against him, crying out, the sound muffled by Stephen's lips on his.

Breathing heavily, Nick pushed Stephen from his lap and dropped to his knees, palming him through his jeans. Stephen looked down at him through hooded eyes, darker than Nick had ever seen them.

Carefully, keeping his eyes on Stephen, Nick undid his jeans, reaching in to cup the firm erection. Stephen groaned softly and Nick licked his lips, shoving aside the jeans and underwear enough to get Stephen's cock out.

Stephen groaned when Nick lapped softly at the head, before sucking it into his mouth. It wasn't the neatest blowjob ever given and certainly not the best, but it wasn't long until Stephen cried out softly, fingers clutching in Nick's hair as he came in his mouth.

If he'd been expecting awkwardness, he never got it. Stephen dropped to his knees in front of him and dragged Nick into a fierce kiss.

*~*~*~*~*

Awkwardness came later, when he'd left Stephen with yet more kisses and very few words to go home to Helen. His wife was awake, reading in bed, giving him a cool look over her book as he entered.

"Hi," he said weakly, dashing for the bathroom and a shower, before Helen could smell the sex on him.

The water was almost scorching, as he stood under it, letting it burn away his shame. The problem was, Nick wasn't ashamed of what he'd done with Stephen. He wanted to do it again. He was pretty sure, no matter how guilty he now felt for cheating on his wife, that he would do it again, if Stephen was willing.

The lights were off when Nick returned to the bedroom and sliped into the bed, as far from Helen as he could be and still in the bed. He thought of going to the spare room, but he remained, barely sleeping a wink. As he watched Helen across the silent breakfast table the next morning, he wondered what he was supposed to do now.

He was no closer to knowing if he wanted to leave Helen, if he should leave Helen... and God but last night it had occurred to him... did Stephen *expect* him to leave Helen?

"I'll be away this weekend," Helen told him. "There have been some interesting sightings in the Forest of Dean, I thought I'd check them out."

Nick sighed. They'd had this... discussion before, one of Helen's more outlandish theories. "Alright," he said. There was just no point in starting this argument again.

"I'll be leaving directly from the university on Friday," she said.

Nick nodded. There was a time, probably not even a year ago, that Nick would have offered to go with her, things had changed so much... they'd both... Nick drank down the rest of his coffee and excused himself for an early class. He'd use this weekend to think things over, decide what to do. He just had to get through another few days first.

*~*~*~*~*

Thinking led nowhere, he ran his mind around in circles all Friday night to no avail. He still didn't know what to do. The truth was, by midnight he was thinking more about Stephen than Helen.

Nick woke more tired than he'd been going to bed, with no clearer an idea of what he was doing, or what he was going to do. And then Stephen landed on his doostep.

Stephen smiled when Nick opened the door. "Hi..." he greeted softly, looking enquiringly around.

"Helen's... she's away for a few days," Nick said, letting him in, nerves twisting in his guts. Did Stephen want... did Nick want it?

Stephen nodded. "I thought maybe we could go over those notes for my..."

Nick didn't let him finish the sentence, pushing him against the wall, kissing him hard. He hadn't known he was going to do it until he did, moaning into Stephen's mouth, licking his way inside to taste the early morning coffee he must have had before he came over and faint remaining traces of toothpaste.

Momentarily guilt coiled in his gut. This was his home, *Helen's* home, cheating on her was bad enough, but to do it here... Stephen's hands slid under his shirt and the guilt faded into the background. Stephen was there and warm and making him feel like he was nineteen again, he couldn't not want this, not even if he tried.

Nick pulled him towards the couch, the firm body pressing him down into the soft leather as they tumbled backwards. Stephen was hard against his thigh and Nick ground against him, even as Stephen pulled back. Breathing slightly heavier than usual, face flushed, eyes dark, Stephen looked... fucking gorgeous. Nick tried to pull him back into the kiss.

"Nick..." Stephen stopped him. "Wait I... God..."

Nick frowned, confused. "What?"

"You're married..." Stephen said, burying his face against Nick's neck. "You're married and we shouldn't... but we have... and I want to, God I want to... over and over until I know every inch of your body but... I'm not asking you to leave Helen, that's... that's your business and I can't claim the moral high ground here, because I came here hoping... but I need to know you're sure about this, that you want this."

"I think it's pretty evident that I do," Nick said softly.

"I mean in more than a physical manner, Nick, because you're... my best friend and I don't want to screw that up but I can't help how I feel about you, God knows I've tried but..."

Nick stopped him, pressing his fingers against Stephen's lips. "I know I shouldn't, because of Helen... because you're a student, even if you aren't *technically* mine... because you're a friend and this could go all kinds of wrong but... I think I love you and I'm not sure what that means yet or if I can leave Helen, or... but right now, right at this moment I want this, I want you, more than I've wanted anything in a very long time. I know it's wrong but I want..."

Stephen swallowed, eyes meeting Nick's. "I think..."

Maybe Stephen didn't think anything, maybe he thought he loved Nick too, or maybe he'd been about to suggest it was a bad idea after all, but Nick gently cupped his jaw, brushing his thumb against Stephen's lips and the words were silenced as the younger man sucked Nick's thumb into his mouth.

Whatever they were doing, whatever they were going to do, Nick knew now, it wasn't going to stop. Not anytime soon at least. He should feel worse than he did about that.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nick Cutter loved his wife... but he couldn't help falling for her student, Stephen Hart.

Helen started taking more trips away and Nick almost encouraged them, half guilty, half eager to have a few days alone with Stephen. After that first weekend, there was no question, they'd be together, but Nick did start going over to Stephen's more. More to avoid the risk of getting caught at home, than anything.

Stephen's flat was small, but well kept and Nick felt equally at home there as he did in his own house, if not more some days.

It wasn't all about sex either, although Nick reveled in the feelings that coursed through him when they made love. They would spend hours talking, working, watching tv or listening to music, sometimes they'd just sit in silence, Stephen reclined back against Nick's chest on the couch, occasionally tangling his fingers with Nick's where it rested against his chest..

It was comfortable in a way that being with Helen hadn't been in... well if Nick was honest, it had never been that comfortable with Helen. They always had to be doing something, long silences with Helen only occurred when she was trying to make him suffer.

Nick hated that he was thinking of Helen this way. He knew in his heart he still loved her, but he also knew that the love was slowly dying, wilting like a flower through lack of proper care. He was just too much of a coward to do anything about it.

He was just trying not to rock the boat with Helen, while he secretly spent as much time as possible in Stephen's arms.

Sticking his head in the sand and merely avoiding things was easier for now, than dealing with his half destroyed marriage.

Helen watched him across the table, over a stilted dinner that Nick had been hoping to avoid. "I was thinking," Helen spoke at last. "Maybe you'd like to come with me this weekend."

Nick wouldn't like to, but he could think of no good reason to say no. Helen knew he was more than caught up on his workload. When he couldn't be at Stephen's, he hid out in his office, catching up on paperwork, marking student's tests and essays. There was no viable excuse not to go.

"Alright," he agreed. Already wondering what he'd tell Stephen. Already wondering how he'd handle a weekend completely alone in his wife's company.

"I'll get the extra gear from the shed," Helen said. "There's a nice spot I found to camp."

Nick nodded and continued to pick at his dinner.

*~*~*~*~*

Stephen hadn't seemed put out when he'd told him he was going with Helen. "She's your wife Nick, I accepted that when we started this," Stephen told him.

Nick wasn't sure he was glad that Stephen wouldn't fight him on it, or disappointed that Stephen didn't seemed bothered by them losing time together.

In truth, he knew he was projecting his own feelings onto Stephen. Trying to find some reason to justify how he felt.

How trapped he felt.

Every day it was becoming more obvious that things couldn't continue as they were.

Torn between his wife and his lover.

When he was with Stephen he felt alive, invigorated.

With Helen... they'd settled into a routine of sorts – virtual strangers who shared a bed. He couldn't remember the last time they'd even touched more intimately than to pass the salt shaker.

He had no idea what she'd been doing down in the forest, not really. The few times they'd started to discuss her theories, he'd cut her off. They were ridiculous, impossible... and the resulting arguments were bitter and ever more personal.

The morning they were due to leave, Nick felt sick to his stomach, desperate, even though he'd agreed to go, to find a reason not to. Then Helen all but handed it to him on a plate.

The argument started as they packed their camp gear. She explained some of what she'd been looking for, expounding on another of her theories. Nick's arguments against them started logically enough, but soon the insults grew personal, the theories forgotten as they threw ever more spiteful words at each other, until Helen told him to stay home and sulk, like the stroppy teenager he was acting like, while she left without him.

Nick sagged onto the sofa after she'd gone, feeling drained, Helen's words buzzing in his mind. She wasn't far wrong, his behaviour lately hadn't been much better than your average stroppy teenager. He wasn't conscious of it most of the time, even this morning he hadn't intentionally been trying to bait Helen, but that's what he had done, again.

It was time he made his mind up once and for all.

To stay with Helen, or to leave.

Usually, as soon as Helen left, he'd call Stephen. This time, he didn't.

*~*~*~*~*

He called Stephen on Sunday night, still no closer to having an answer that he felt he could live with, than he had been, but needing to see his lover.

Stephen remained impassive as he told him what had transpired, as he told him how he'd spent all of Saturday and most of that day trying to work out what he wanted.

Nick had kissed him, fierce and needy as he told him he loved him, needed him... but he didn't know what to do about Helen.

Stephen as always, refused to tell him. "Nick, it has to be your choice. I love you, you know that and with or without Helen, I've made my choices where you're concerned, as long as you want me, I will be here. But what happens with Helen... has too be up to you and Helen."

Nick knew Stephen was right. And intentionally or not, Stephen had reminded him of something else... this was as much Helen's choice as his.

Nick allowed himself the luxury of falling asleep in Stephen's arms, sated from making love long into the night.

He was determined that tomorrow when Helen got home he'd tell her the truth... if she was prepared to forgive him, he'd have to choose, if she wasn't, he'd pack his things and leave.

One way or another, this tail spin would be over.

*~*~*~*~*

Monday evening, Helen still hadn't returned. Nick wasn't worried at first, assuming she was still angry after their fight, or that she'd got wrapped up in chasing her wild theories, but by Tuesday lunch he was starting to get concerned.

Despite everything that had happened, or may still happen, he still cared about Helen and by the fifth time of trying her mobile without response, he was considering if he should call the police.

Stephen convinced him to give it another few hours, if they'd heard nothing by that evening, he'd go with Nick to make a missing person's report. Helen often got as lost in her work as Nick did, she had probably just got side-tracked. Nick knew he was right, but all afternoon he found himself clock watching.

"Lets just go to your place and check she isn't back," Stephen said.

Nick had tried calling the house phone, but he knew Helen wouldn't answer if she was working, or sleeping.

"Maybe she was tired and just went straight to bed," Stephen said.

Nick nodded in agreement, letting Stephen drive as he tried the house phone and her mobile again, just in case.

They had only been through the door for a few minutes, Nick checking the bedroom, study and bathroom and finding the house empty, when the doorbell rang.

Stephen answered while Nick had the phone to his ear again.

"Nick Cutter?" Nick didn't recognise the voice.

"No, he's just on the phone, come in," Stephen said, stepping back to let two men Nick didn't know in.

"Call me when you get this message," Nick told the answering machine for the dozenth time, before hanging up and turning his attention to the men. "Can I help you?"

"Mr. Cutter, I'm DI Henley and this is DI Payne," the older of the two strangers introduced themselves.

Nick felt his stomach knot. "What... what's..."

“Your wife is Helen Cutter?"

"Yes..." Nick said faintly.

"Have you heard from your wife recently, Sir?" Henley asked.

"No I... I was just phoning, she... she was up in the Forest of Dean for the weekend, research project, I... she should have been back yesterday but I thought she'd got distracted and... is... is she okay?" Nick asked.

"Her car was found abandoned earlier today, her camp site was also found, but no sign of her anywhere near," the DI said. "The camp looked like it'd been left in a hurry, there were animal tracks nearby that couldn't be identified. I have to inform you that we are concerned for her welfare. Does you're wife go up there often alone?"

Nick heard him speak, but it didn't make it past his ears, his brain stumbling over the words like he couldn't understand them at all. He felt his legs give up and strong arms grabbed him and led him to the couch.

"Helen went up there most weekends for the last couple of months, I'm afraid I don't know what she was working on, I'm one of her students... she didn't discuss that sort of thing with us," Stephen answered for him.

"And you are?"

"Stephen Hart. Nick... has been helping me with some of my assignment work, I'm one of Helen's students, but he's been letting me tag along on some of his research projects to use as field studies," Stephen said.

Nick felt almost a little hysterical as he heard Stephen lie smoothly... no, not lie... just omit the part where they'd been shagging for weeks. He forced back the bark of laughter and tried to focus.

"Mr Cutter, does your wife have any friends or family in that area she might have gone to if she was injured?" Henley asked.

"No..." Nick said. "She... Helen doesn't have much family and none she's close too... her parents are dead and her sister lives in Somerset.”

"Alright, we'll need a list of all her family and close friends, as well as times of when she was last heard from and any other information you think could be helpful," Henley told them. "You said she had a mobile phone?"

"I'll give you the number," Stephen said, squeezing Nick's shoulder firmly. "And get the address book for friends and family."

"We'd appreciate that," Henley said. "DI Payne will go with you, if you could get an item of clothing for the search dogs I'm sure that would also be helpful."

Nick was glad for the moment that no one expected him to move, he wasn't sure he could. His legs felt like they were made of jelly, his mind whirling.

Fear, doubt, guilt, anger... all warring within him, all threatening to spill out at the slightest provocation. Nick closed his eyes and prayed to a God he had never believed in, that Helen was alright.

*~*~*~*~*

Henley and Payne left after getting the things they'd asked for, promising to keep them updated. Nick hadn't bothered to stand when they left, or move at all as Stephen moved around his house, bringing him hot, sweet tea.

"You should drink that, it'll help," Stephen told him softly.

Nick looked at the mug in front of him, steam rising from the pale brown liquid and snarled, flinging the mug across the room, hearing it smash satisfyingly against the wall.

"How the fuck will it help!" Nick asked.

Stephen stepped back in shock. "Nick..."

"I should have been there, I should have fucking been there and I wasn't, I wasn't there... I was..." Nick looked into shocked blue eyes, fear and hurt mixing in Stephen's expression and even as he knew he was wrong, even as he knew how completely irrational he was, he opened his mouth and said something he knew he'd regret. "Too busy warming your bed to be there when my wife needed me."

Stephen looked like he'd been slapped. Nick considered he'd have been better smacking him, but he'd said it now and there was no taking it back.

"I... I'm sorry you feel that way, Nick," Stephen said softly. "I'll do what DI Henley suggested and start calling around some of Helen's other students and teachers from the university. Would you like another mug of tea first or will you throw that one at the wall too?"

Nick swallowed back the tears in his throat. "Just go, Stephen, just go, I'll make the calls."

Stephen blinked and Nick thought he'd protest, but he just nodded stiffly. "If you need anything, call me."

Nick watched him go and threw the nearest thing, a book, at the door as it closed after him, before crumbling in a heap on the floor, sobbing until he almost couldn't breathe.

What was he going to do now?

*~*~*~*~*

He called Iain and Kirsty, his brother came down for a couple of days and Kirsty called daily, but with kids and jobs, they couldn't up sticks and come down for longer. Nick was glad in a way, he couldn't deal with them.

Nick wanted to go up to the Forest of Dean, but the police had told him it wasn't a good idea to get in the way of their search. The implication that he was a suspect didn't go over his head, but he tried not to think about it.

Sitting at home wasn't an option however, so he tried to keep going to work, but whispers followed him. Everyone had heard about Helen's disapperance, theories were thrown around, everything from the possibility she'd run off with another man – their arguments hadn't gone unnoticed around campus either – or that she'd been kidnapped or murdered.

Nick wasn't sure if it was just that people were being extra cautious knowing that he was around, or that it honestly just didn't occur to any of them, but he didn't hear a single theory suggesting he'd been responsible.

It was the following Wednesday before he saw Stephen again, he'd come into work, although he hadn't seen a student all day, or all the day before, they seemed to be giving him a wide berth and he hadn't even tried going to teach his classes, so he was mostly just puttering about his office, reading various articles and texts Helen had written, searching for some clue... some clue that *made sense*.

Stephen came in, saw what he was doing and without speaking he picked up another of the files on Nick's desk and, taking his customary place across from him, began reading.

Nick found himself watching him, for long silent minutes. Stephen was offering him tacit forgiveness and Nick wasn't sure he wanted or deserved it, but he simply didn't have it in him to fight it.

Stephen had been a friend before he'd become a lover and right now Nick needed that, desperately, anything else could be dealt with when they found Helen.

He resolutely ignored the little voice that had been taunting him all week. If they found Helen.

*~*~*~*~*

The news came eventually as Nick knew it would, the police were calling off their search, the case would remain open but for now, no one expected to find Helen and although it wasn't said, they didn't expect she'd be found *alive*.

Stephen was with him, a quiet, strong presence at his shoulder, familiar and faithful, when DI Henley came to tell him, a practised, but apologetic look on his face.

"I'm very sorry Mr. Cutter," Henley said.

Nick wanted to rage against him, to snap and snarl, but he was numb, four weeks was nothing... and they were just giving up.

"We'll continue to make periodic enquires in the area and the local constabularly will be on the look out..." Henley said.

Nick shrugged off his platitudes. He didn't want to hear it. He wasn't giving up.

Stephen gave him a sad look when he told Stephen later that he intended to take a leave of absense from the university and go up himself, search the forest from end to end, climb every tree if he had to, no matter how long it took, but he didn't fight him on it.

"Alright Nick, we'll go," Stephen said.

Nick shook his head. "I didn't expect you to...”

"I'm not letting you go up there alone and... even with everything, I care about Helen too..."

Nick bristled, neither of them, by unspoken agreement had made even the smallest reference to their affair since Stephen had shown up in his office a week after Helen vanished.

Stephen sighed. "I just mean..."

"We'll need new camping gear, the police still have everything that Helen had with her," Nick said, unprepared to discuss it.

"Make a list, I've got some of my own stuff since... and I've got some mates who camp, might be able to borrow some of it," Stephen said. "No point spending money on things we don't need to, we'll need all our money for food and petrol."

*~*~*~*~*

They spent the first month solid in the area of the Forest of Dean, before Nick had to admit that they weren't getting anywhere.

Stephen tried to remain patient, even after he got a cold and spent three days in a tent in the middle of the Forest, coughing and sneezing his way through two boxes of Kleenex, but that just made it worse.

Stephen's understanding and patience was grating on Nick as much as their lack of leads.

Eventually, Nick just exploded at him. He called him for everything, everything pouring out in a stream of poison not unlike those Helen and he had been flinging at each other in the months before she disappeared.

Screaming at Stephen until he was hoarse, while Stephen stood there and took it, grabbing him in strong arms when he finally stopped, harsh, dry sobs wracking him as he struggled against the embrace, until he could do nothing but give in, clinging to Stephen like a life line.

"I did this, Stephen... I... it's my fault, it's all my fault," Nick said, his voice rough.

Stephen shushed him, rubbing soothing circles on his back. "No. No you didn't, Nick, this... it's not anyone's fault, okay? We don't know what happened, but it's not your fault."

"I should have been here," Nick said. "I should..."

"Shouldn't have been with me," Stephen said. "Not so long ago you blamed me too."

"I... I'm sorry. I shouldn't have... I just..."

"Nick... if we're throwing blame around, I'm sure there's plenty for all of us, including Helen... but that's not going to bring her back," Stephen said. "We didn't mean for this to happen. It just did and... I wouldn't trade my time with you for anything. Maybe that's selfish but it's true. We can feel guilty, sling blame whatever direction we want but Helen came out here... she came out here *alone* time after time. She's the only one responsible for *her* actions. I'm not going to let you take the blame for those.”

Nick felt his chest tighten, another sob catching in his throat. He didn't know what to say, where to start. He knew everything Stephen said was true but he couldn't help wonder, if he'd been with her, maybe...

"I think it's time to go home," Stephen said softly.

Nick nodded against his chest, where Stephen still held him close. "Aye... alright."

*~*~*~*~*

Nick went back to work, because he had nothing else to do, and although he'd let Stephen bring him home he couldn't completely give up. He spent evenings searching the internet, putting out feelers, calling people he hadn't seen in years. Weekends, when he could, he'd go back up to the Forest.

The first few times he'd gone alone, not telling Stephen, but Stephen caught on fast and seemed to instinctively know when Nick was planning on going, turning up with his gear at the ready.

"I told you, you're not going up there alone," Stephen said. "At least, not while I have any say in it."

Nick bit back the retort that Stephen *didn't* have any say in it *anymore*, but that would be getting too close to talking about their affair and they didn't talk about that.

There were times(,) Nick could see Stephen wanted to talk about it, but he held himself in check and Nick was at once grateful and disappointed.

There were times... times when they'd get too close, when Stephen was warm beside him, the smell of his aftershave familiar, the feel of his fingers brushing against his as they passed files back and forth... those were the times Nick longed to feel Stephen's arms around him again, to push the world away and lose himself in that feeling, in the love he still felt for the younger man... but he pulled away.

Helen was gone, probably – Nick admitted to himself in his darker hours – dead. It didn't seem right to fall into Stephen's arms.

The irony that sleeping with Stephen while Helen was... still there... hadn't bothered him as much as it should have, while sleeping with Stephen now that Helen was gone was unconscionable, did not escape Nick at all.

Still, Stephen remained faithfully by his side, aiding him in fruitless search after fruitless search for his missing wife.

Nick felt almost guilty about that. More guilty even than he'd felt cheating on Helen. But he didn't know what else to do.

*~*~*~*~*

Helen's funeral was three years, almost to the day, after she vanished. Nick had been reluctant to ask the coroner to request permission for an inquest without a body, in order to declare Helen dead and their marriage over, but Kirsty had finally convinced him to do it.

"Nick, you can't wait forever... you have to let go, of Helen and your guilt," Kirsty told him, sitting late one evening, when Iain had finally convinced him to come and spend time with his family.

The last time he'd been home had been before Helen vanished, too many weekends spent searching for a shadow and a ghost.

"She was my wife," Nick said.

Kirsty gave him a soft, sad smile. "She *was* your wife..."

Nick startled. "I..."

He knew she was right, but it was, Nick was certain, the hardest thing he'd ever done in his life.

It was the longest day Nick had experienced in longer than he cared to think about. People in black giving their condolences when every single one of them had moved on with their lives – thinking of Helen rarely if at all.

Stephen remained as close as he ever had, hand resting against Nick's back, strong and familiar as they lowered the empty coffin into the ground, as he shook hands and thanked people for coming. Nick had never quite understood that, thanking someone for attending a funeral, but he did it, kept going and going until he was finally, blissfully alone, only Stephen and his family still remaining.

Nick knew they'd understand when the last person was gone and he disappeared into his bedroom, desperate just for a moment of solitude.

It was Stephen who eventually came to find him, bringing sandwiches and tea.

"You should eat something," Stephen said softly.

Nick, who'd been laying on his bed, eyes closed, but not asleep, opened them slowly. Stephen had removed his jacket and tie, the top few buttons of his shirt undone, much like Nick's own, his hair was mussed, no longer as neat as he'd had it earlier.

For a moment, a flash of memory taunted him. Stephen, hair mussed and face flushed from sex. Nick closed his eyes against it. Nothing had happened in three years, by his own will or Stephen's, it hardly mattered now. There was no point dredging up the past.

"Iain and Kirsty have taken the kids back to the hotel. Fiona was half asleep," Stephen told him.

Nick nodded absently, sitting up and reaching for the tea Stephen had set on the bedside table. “Thank you... for today for... I don't think I'd have got through the last few years without you."

"You don't have to thank me Nick, there's nowhere else I need to be," Stephen said.

Nick knew that was a lie, knew that after finishing his degree, Stephen had offers of a PhD placement at more prestigious universities, had a chance to go off and explore the world and work – but Stephen had stayed with him, taking over the job as research assistant when Allison moved onto greener pastures.

"I've been a right bastard most days and you could have left, gone off and seen the world, met some nice young girl and settled down... you didn't have to stay with this cranky old sod... but I'm selfish and I'm glad you did, because I mean it, Stephen, I wouldn't have survived all this without you," Nick told him softly.

Stephen nodded and Nick was surprised to see tears sparkling in his eyes.

"I'm selfish too, Nick... because there's nowhere else I *wanted* to be, except with you. Even if... even if it was just as your friend... I'll go finish clearing up downstairs, eat your sandwich," Stephen told him, his voice rough and... pained...

Nick watched him leave and felt his heart constrict. Perhaps some things, weren't as 'in the past' as he'd thought.

*~*~*~*~*

Nick hadn't thought... hadn't let himself consciously think... about his relationship with Stephen, since Helen vanished. He'd settled himself into their friendship and been just extraordinarily glad to hold onto that.

He'd assumed that Stephen had moved on, he knew Stephen had dated a few times, never anything serious, but he'd had a few dates. Nick had been very conscious not to be jealous, to bury any thing like that deep under cover, not even admitting it to himself.

But had he been wrong? Did Stephen still...?

Nick wasn't sure if he wanted Stephen to still... feel like that... or not.

If he thought about it, if he let himself be honest, he still loved Stephen. But Stephen's friendship was even more important to him now than it had been three years before. Stephen was the one who'd held him together, who'd been there through thick and thin.

It had been a far easier decision then, to cheat on Helen, than it was now, to even think of going there if it could destroy their friendship.

He'd survived these last few years only because he had Stephen by his side, if he lost Stephen, he wasn't sure he would continue to survive.

Christ, he really couldn't think about this, not now, not when they'd just buried an empty coffin with his wife's name on it. But now that the idea was there, now that he'd been forced to think about it again, he couldn't not.

*~*~*~*~*

Stephen was still there when he went downstairs in the morning, in sweat pants and t-shirt, making coffee and toast. "Morning," Stephen greeted. "Want coffee?"

"Morning..." Nick said. "I... yeah, coffee would be good."

Stephen retrieved a mug from the cupboard and poured Nick a coffee, turning to hand it to him and almost finding himself trapped as Nick moved closer. Stephen startled, giving Nick a cautious look.

Nick took the cup from him and set it back behind him. He'd spent all night running over this in his mind, sleep had evaded him, no matter what else he tried to think of, it always came back to Stephen.

It should have been easier, it should have been less complicated, he was now, officially single. Helen had been declared dead, he was legally widowed.

But it was harder, more difficult than reaching out that first time. Still he had to take this chance, the same chance he'd taken before and hope he hadn't imagined what he'd seen in Stephen's eyes.

"Nick..." Stephen's voice was barely more than a whisper and Nick caught it in own mouth as he pressed his lips against Stephen's. The younger man's breath hitched and Nick waited a long, fearful moment before he felt Stephen's lips press back against his.

Nick felt a knot he'd barely been aware of loosen in his gut as Stephen's hand came to rest on his arm and the kiss deepened. It was at once strange and familiar and Nick pulled Stephen closer, one hand clutching at Stephen's hip the other curling against his shoulder.

"Nick..." Stephen murmured, pulling back. "I..."

"I know you have every right to tell me to go to hell... I..."

Stephen shushed him, pressing a finger to Nick's lips. "Are you sure you're ready?"

Nick swallowed back the lump in his throat. Even now Stephen was only thinking of him, of what he needed. He couldn't find the words, he wasn't sure there were any. The only thing he could do was pull him closer again and kiss him, trying to say everything he couldn't.

Thank you. I love you. I'm sorry. Are *you* sure?

"I love you," Stephen said softly as they paused, almost like he could read Nick's mind. "I never stopped."

Nick nodded. "Me either. I just..."

"Shush," Stephen quietened him. "I know, I was prepared to wait."

Nick couldn't speak again, letting touch speak for him. Stephen seemed to understand.

*~*~*~*~*

*5 Years Later*

Nick started down the stairs, tapping Stephen with the map. "Come on, let’s go."

Stephen remained still, resting against the stair rail.

"I’ve been remembering things," he said quietly.

Nick sighed. "You mean Helen?"

"Why didn’t you tell anyone? Did you go looking for her?" Stephen asked.

"Look, if she wanted to talk to me then she could have. Why keep playing games with me?" Nick asked.

"You mean this isn’t the first time? How long have you known she was alive?" Stephen looked torn between anger and hurt and Nick couldn't blame him.

"Look, not long. But all these years, she let me think she was dead. She let me go through that. What does that tell you?" Nick said. "I... she left you to die."

"She..."

"Helen made her choices, Stephen, and I made mine," Nick said quietly. "I chose this... us. And I've never regretted it."

Nick let his hand reach out to rest gently on Stephen's arm. “Now... are you coming?"

Stephen nodded. "Yeah... yeah I'm coming."

**Author's Note:**

> With thanks to Joe Reaves and Lucas Quinn for cheer leading the early parts of this story. Nick's brother Iain, his sister-in-law Kirsty and their kids, also belong to Joe Reaves. And with many, many thanks to fififolle for the beta reading and awesome comments at the end, any remaining mistakes are mine alone.


End file.
